Well hello there internet, nice to see you again. I know its been a while, and I know that I should explain myself. You see, four months ago, I had a baby–Grover Amos Barker was born in September, three days after my birthday and cute as hell from the get go. Before that I was busy getting all big and pregnant. Big, by the way, is code for fat. I know I know, I look so great and I was pregnant and blah blah blah fat.
Ok, now that we’ve got that out of the way, can we talk about back fat? Because lately I’ve been pondering mine quite a bit. I have always had a fleshly back. Even at my thinnest I had some meat back there. And when I was at my heaviest, I just don’t remember it being such a problem-so young, so naive. Now my back-fat is out of control. It’s spilling over things it never used to spill over. It’s unrelenting, evading all kinds of spandex, it has a mind of its own. Now, 4 months after having a baby (even 40 lbs less than right after giving birth) my back fat feels like a cruel joke. It exists as a blurbuly reminder that all of the weight I gained was not just from pregnancy. Pregnancy occurs on the front portion of your body–your belly grows round, your boobs plump up. But having a baby has nothing to do with my back fat. My back fat is all Ben & Jerrys and bread baskets. And it’s my own doing.
So what does that mean for me now? Where does that leave me? I am certainly not content dealing with the back fat and the stomach pudge–did I mention the stomach pudge, cause it’s pretty intense? But I am also not happy with the way that I feel about myself. And this time around, I see that I can change that now. Long before I’ve lost the last pound.
And not just because I know how to get the weight off. I know its time to get back to a Weight Watchers meeting (more on that another time) and start monitoring what I eat more thoughtfully. I know that I need to get moving, literally, and get back to long walks and hikes. But even before all of that becomes steady routine, I feel the desire to make a shift in how I feel about myself. Frankly the barrage of “Ew gross, oh my god what have you done? does my stomach really look like that?! lumpy, weird, sad, fat fat fat” is too cliche for my taste and I would prefer to hear a more clever discourse inside my head at the very least. I expect more from my thoughts at this point in life. I mean, come on Thoughts.
The first time I lost 100 lbs it was magical, almost whimsical. I followed a program, the weight came off and out emerged this new woman who could do more than she knew she was capable of. Eventually the magic wore off though, and I found myself stuck in a cycle of dissatisfaction–with my body, with the food I felt limited to, with the version of myself I was left with once all that weight was shed. But this time, I know perfectly well what I am capable of. I am capable of losing 100 lbs. I am capable of gaining 100 pounds. I am capable of changing the shape of my body without surgery or drugs. I am also capable of making a human being in tiny miraculous form. I am capable of teaching that little being wonderous miraculous things like how to use his fingers and that the dog is soft and wants to be his friend.
I am capable of back fat. And that’s been a good lesson for me to learn. Because if I am capable of back fat, then I am also capable of…what’s the opposite of back fat? Back muscle? Non-back-fat? Sure, lets go with non-back fat. I will forge ahead knowing that what lies ahead is a world of non-back-fat. And in the meanwhile, I will try to change the mean and therefore useless thoughts in my head into thoughts of appreciation for all that I am capable of.
Total cinch, got it, no problem, already done.
2014 I’M BACK BABY!!!!