Skinny in a Bikini

Last week’s WW meeting was one of a rare breed. First of all, it was small. There were street closures surrounding the meeting which made parking more of a challenge than usual, and apparently deterred people from attending the meeting. Thus it was small. Small like when you go to classes the day before Thanksgiving when all the out-of-state students have already caught their planes, and the professor asks everyone to pull a chair up close and you feel special and uncool all at the same time. Small. And because it was small, I suppose there was some added intimacy and we had a great conversation. People throwing in their experiences from their pink plastic seats (word on the WW street is that the chairs won’t be pink for much longer – I might steal one and put it in a corner somewhere to remind myself how far I’ve come) and laughing and helping each other. Man, it was a good meeting.

 “Do you have to be able to visualize yourself skinny in a bikini in order to successfully lose weight?”

That’s what started the conversation. And I say no! If you have pictures of yourself in a bikini from 5 years ago and looking at them motivates you, then great. Carry on. But at the time when I was crossing my fingers hoping to see 225 lbs on the scale, the only picture of me in a bikini that existed was from 1983 and I was 3 feet tall and in pre-school. I had no reference. I did visualize the way it would feel to be skinny in a bikini. Well maybe not visualize, what would the word be…feel-alize? Sense-alize? The distinction being that I never saw myself in a bikini from other people’s perspective, like in a picture. But I saw the beach as I ran along the water wearing a vintage-y red bikini while nothing jiggled and I felt cute and normal.

The thing is, even “feel-alizing” myself skinny in a bikini backfired. Because eventually I did put on a bikini—an almost vintage-y navy (they were out of red) halter top with white polka dots. Let me tell you, when I ran along the water, my shit jiggled. And it needed to be adjusted. And not in a subtle single finger bottom adjustment way. In a whole-hand boob-scoop way. With frequency.  I did not feel cute and normal but for a brief, brief moment.

“What’s that saying,” I asked in the meeting, “if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans?”

“Mentsh trakht, Got lakht,” said Miriam, who I chat with often while we wait in our pink plastic chairs. “Man plans, God laughs.” I love a good Yiddish Proverb.

Nowadays I am focused on self-acceptance. Looking in the mirror and feeling good about myself. Saying to myself, “This is my body and I love it’s unique and beautiful shape.” And I’ve made progress. I can still rationalize eating a cookie I don’t have room for, but more often than not, I feel alright about my belly and my hips and my thighs. Not crazy amazing, but pretty alright.  I still put a bikini on. Flesh,  flab and all.  I even found one that doesn’t require constant boob-scooping. And when I put it on, I bring an attitude. Like, this is my body, world! This is my real butt, these are my real thighs and this is my real belly!  I am a powerful woman, like the women in those Nike ads!  Don’t just deal with it, get into it!  Bam!

Grrr, yeah!

Thunderthighs! Ho!

I’m being histrionic. But truthfully I sometimes choose the bikini over the one piece to remind myself that I am awesome. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but it works for me. It’s not what I thought “skinny in a bikini” would feel like,  but after I get over my initial squirminess and start to enjoy the sensation of my belly fat floating around in the water,  I actually like the way it makes me feel.

Mentsh trakht, Got lakht. Even if it’s just a plan about a bikini.


2 thoughts on “Skinny in a Bikini

  1. Hey I’m famous!! I made it to your adorable blog!! Who would have “tracht?!!l” (thunk!). Thanks for your upbeat and real way of describing weight loss struggles!!!

  2. Thanks for yet again, another reality check that both inspires and makes me laugh. Makes me want to actually ‘strut’ (a little) in my next bikini wearing event!

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